Welcome to my book blog


My story that I wanted to share with everyone

"Warning talking about suicide,

 depression, PTSD, and anxiety"

This was not an easy thing for me to talk about. it has taken a lot for me to even remember everything from high school that I had to deal with. 
The stuff that happen with my daughters is still fresh in my memory like it happen just yesterday.

My bought with suicidal thoughts and my depression

By: Rachel Renzo

During my sophomore year of high school, I was having a lot of issues that I had no clue how to deal with. I had friends not many that I trusted just. Some were nice, and others liked to talk about me behind my back. Some would say I was sleeping with guys that I had never met before and some I was close friends with. They figured it was more fun to spread rumors then speak the truth. Know that I look at it that was a type of bullying that kids deal with today. This was the 1980’s so we didn’t have the so called No Bullying rules in school you just dealt with it the way everyone did. You either fought with them or your let it go. I let it go for a long as could. My mood stating going down, but I really had no idea why. I had all kinds of rock posts on my walls and when I decided it was time to end everything, I started pulling my posters down and kept them in boxes so that they wouldn’t get lost. I didn’t tell anyone what I was planning as I didn’t want someone to decide to stop me. A few friends come over to the house on Halloween so we could plan what we were going to do that night. Little did anyone know but that way the day I was going to end everything. We were all in my bedroom talking to get everything set up for that night. The normal for Halloween was to pass out candy for an hour then head out to the roller-skating rink to hang out with everyone. I got up from seating on my bed and walked into my bathroom and locked the door. When into my medicine cabinet pulled out the full bottle of 800 MG of Motrin and dumped all 30 of them into my hand. With the Motrin in one hand and a cup of water in the other I was ready to get it over with. Right as I was getting ready to swallow down the pills with the water my friend someone got into the bathroom and slapped the pills out of my hand. One of my other friends was counting the pill on the floor to make sure that all 30 were there and I didn’t get any down. We left my bathroom and went into my room and talked to find out what the heck was going on. I didn’t want to talk but no one would let me leave until I told them everything that was bothering me. They didn’t want to worry my mother or father so nothing was said to them as we talked for 10 hours about how I felt like I was a not doing anything good for myself or able to help anyone with their problems anymore. Everyone said why do you feel as if you need to fix everyone’s problems I said I have always been able to help everyone. Then I finally said that one of the things that was really bothering me was that I had a falling out with one of my close friends because I had missed going to the mall with them and didn’t get into trouble with them. I said I should have been there was well so we would still have stuff to talk about. Needless to say my friends dad was thrilled that I had missed the bus that day to go to the mall because I didn’t get into trouble like his daughter did. I finally felt good about missing that bus. I have seen a doctor about my mild case of depressing during that time.

Move forward to 2007 when I was married with 2 girls and my marriage ended and my world fell apart. Suicide was on my mind again as I blamed myself for what happen to my daughters by the hands of the man I had been married to since 1991. He never told me the truth about why he was taken from his father or anything that had every happen to him and his bother growing up. To have him do the same thing to my daughters that happen to him made me sick to my stomach. I wanted to kill him but instead I allowed law enforcement to take over and lock him up for 8 years. During this time I had thoughts of suicide again as I didn’t think I was a good enough mother by allow such a think to happen in the first place. Everyone said I was the only mother they knew of who didn’t question the words of her daughter when she was told and acted faster then they could have or would have done. I was in therapy this time and I told my therapist that I didn’t think I had a right to live and that the kids would be better off when their grandparents. I had been on the phone with one of my friends and told him that I was going to end everything because I was useless as a mother. That didn’t go over very well with him. He had one of our other friends come see me to get me to stop me from thinking about suicide. After talking with my friends we decided that it was best for me to get back into therapy as it helped me when I found out about the abuse of my daughters.

I was put on an anti-depressant medication to help with my mood and anxiety. I learned this time while in therapy that I suffer from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) a lot of people who have been in the Military that come back from war suffer from PTSD and that was all I had known about it. My therapist said that there are different types of PTSD and any stressful situations can bring it about. There are a lot of great medications that can help with depression, anxiety or PTSD. There is also none medication therapy that help as well. I don't know much about those things but this us just how I was able to get a grip on my suicidal thoughts and I suggest to anyone that asks me what I did to help me. Therapy, friends, family, church or other community services that offer help do it.

Don’t hide behind the shame that you're giving up if you go see someone for help. Suicide is NOT the answer to help deal with the issues you're facing. Call the National Suicide Prevention number and ask for help.

Another great lesson I learned from one of my therapist was to write down in a notebook what ever is on your mind. Keep it in a place for you to write in all the time. Every second visit with my therapist I would bring in my notebook for her to read and we would talk about stuff that wrote about. I kept the notebooks for 3 years then I decided it was time to throw them out. I didn't just put them in the trash I took each notebook apart and shredded them so I couldn't take it out of the trash and read it to get all depressed again. One thing I did do with one of the notebooks was finally addressed my issues with my ex-husband and that notebook I gave to my therapist because I had no way to send it to him for him to read.

Please don't ever listen to those who tell you to just get over it. It can’t be done we need help and I’m still on medication today just something that isn’t as strong as when I first started. I still have days when I don’t want to take my medication but I know deep down that if I don’t use it I will most likely fall back into the thoughts of suicide and I can’t and won’t do that again. Too many end their lives because they don’t know who to turn to our whom they can trust with this subject. If this post will help just one person realize that you are not alone in this and reach out to someone I will be happy that I decided to share this with the world.

I started working on this when Eva Pohler told me that she was going to be doing a World Suicide Prevention event with Authors, Bloggers, YouTubers, and anyone else who would like to share their story to help someone. If I remember correctly it was back in April that she had first said something about it. I signed up right away to help out. Then I set at my tablet with word open to get started on my story. I had the title for about a month before I could even get any words down. I didn’t know where or how I was going to start this. I would dream about everything that had happen but couldn’t type it out. I kept thinking to myself that I made a huge mistake saying I was going to help. So I saved it and left it alone for a while. One night I couldn’t sleep for anything this was just in my head and I needed to get it out. I got up got some coffee and went to work typing. I think I finally stopped at 5 am in the morning. I slept for 45 minutes because I had to get my daughter up for school. I logged out of my word after making sure that I had saved and had auto-save turned on as well. Password protected the document and turned off my tablet. My alarm when off and for some reason those 45 minutes of sleep seemed like I had slept for 2 years. Stayed away from this again for a while then three nights ago I could sleep again and that was when I decided it was time to get the rest out. From April until August 16, 2019 I have been working on this. I could have made this about 10 pages long but I decided no one would want to read that much so I highlighted everything that was of importance to me. I am going to add some of the links to website that I still use to this day for help.

Here are some of the thing I used to get my help.

National Suicide Prevention Lifeline


Suicide Prevention Life Line

Washington State Suicide Hotline Website

Places I went for Therapy
Hopes Sparks

Greater Lakes Mental Health

The website RAINN is what I used to help me get

information to help my daughters with their abuse.


The books were found on Amazon I am sure you can find them other places.

Two of the books that helped me. I wish I could remember the rest of them.
The Anxiety and Worry Workbook: The Cognitive Behavioral Solution

The Complex PTSD Workbook:

A Mind-Body Approach to Regaining Emotional Control and Becoming Whole

1 comment:

  1. Thank you so much for putting yourself through the painful memories so you could share your story. I'm sure others will read this and recognize themselves in your words. Hopefully, you will inspire people struggling with suicide to find help. Love you!